stupid haircut

laying here

head's a mess

antsyexcitedspazticagitatedmanic

Waiting for something to happen. Hoping movement will come along and cause the tension to break. Can't force anything for fear that everything will come crashing down. All the little pieces I've placed strategically throughout my head could be destroyed with the slightest breeze from the wrong deviation of the azimuth. Something must come along, break this all up, because I can't do it to myself. I obviously have no idea which direction will work, I'd have tried that a long time ago.

Knots in my stomach. I can't keep a thought straight in my head long enough to see it through it's logical end. Long enough to lay it down, see it fall into place. Watch the lines of demarcation disappear as it settles amongst it's counterparts.

I can self-medicate to go to sleep. But I don't want to miss a second of this. It's too important to let this pass by in a fuzz.

Sit and listen to the piano keys playing the melody I've yet to master. The notes, thoughts I'm not accustomed to.

I won't relax. Let my guard down. Sit here, heart pounding, watching the seconds pass, hoping for a break.

I should call someone. Let them talk me down. But I don't want to come down, I don't want this tension to break. When it breaks I am left without the very concept that is holding the pieces together. When it breaks I am left holding so many broken pieces. Useless little pieces of thought and action that can never survive alone.

I need people. Strangers. Some type of life swimming around me. Supporting these thoughts with their energy. They don't need to know anything, but it may be obvious that something is drastically wrong.

But I know I can walk around them. I can say hello and respond with lucidity. Speak the phrases they expect as my head envelops their entire being for no reason other than the possibility that